I am giving up hope.

After two decades of horror film viewership, watching this movie has finally forced me to learn my lesson. But, trust me, this is actually a good thing. I want to really be able to enjoy the medium of film, especially in my favorite genres, so I am going to stop believing the public when they say that a movie is “really scary.” I have been let down too many times by my own expectations that others have force-fed to me, and I just don’t want to be disappointed anymore. So, I am giving up hope.

And here’s the thing. I have seen a lot of “scary” movies. I’ve gone into many an auditorium buzzing with excitement because everyone who watched the movie said it was the scariest movie they’d ever seen, that they didn’t sleep, that they left traumatized. And hardly ever have I actually agreed. It seems to me that horror is a really difficult genre to do correctly, and I also think a lot of people are satisfied by horror movies being simply gross or disturbing, but I’m not. I want you to prey on my fear! I want you to get in my head. I want to be awake all night! (Thank you, Skinamarink!.) But, by all means, dear reader, please tell me what the scariest movies you have ever seen are so I can give them a try. I may not be expecting it, but I’d still love to be scared by a movie.

Let’s get back to the point, shall we?

The online crowds were all aflutter about Alien: Romulus and how the last act left them completely traumatized and changed forever, so I thought, hey, maybe there’s potential here. If people are talking about it this much, maybe it is actually scary. It reminded me of the buzz when Hereditary hit cinemas, so off I went.

I’d like to preface this review by saying this is technically the first Alien movie I have ever seen, as I fell asleep halfway through Alien (1979). That means I am absolutely not up to date on the series, didn’t really know what to expect, and just kind of jumped in with no prep, much like the crew we follow during the film.

Alien: Romulus is a sci-fi horror, so it’s got that haunting cosmic unknown looming over the events of the film. But, where it really shines is its incredible use of practical effects and body horror. (Which, I assume, is what the franchise is known for. Remember, I only made it halfway through the first film.) I was extremely shocked and fascinated by how deeply… reproductive the entire concept was, particularly in the design of creatures and their forms. Of course, you would expect parasite horror from an Alien movie, but the phallic and yonic imagery was absolutely over-the-top, and aesthetically brilliant.

Our characters are interesting enough to follow through the plot, giving you just enough background and authenticity to root for those who last the longest, but that’s not a critique of the writing; we all know what we’re really here for. The film does tie in directly to another film in the series, but fresh viewers like me can follow along just fine, as what is absolutely necessary to know is explained to the main cast, who also know nothing of what’s already happened.

The crew consists of: indentured orphan Rain, her adoptive, malfunctioning android brother Andy, Rain’s ex-boyfriend Tyler, Tyler’s pregnant sister Kay, their cousin Bjorn, and his adoptive sister, pilot Navarro. Their mission is to loot an abandoned ship for cryo-tubes in hopes to escape to another planet and live freely under real sunlight. I was immersed, totally along for the ride, and hooked from the moment they set foot on the ship. And then something really special happens: Act III. 

[Minor Spoilers] Throughout Somnomromulus, we go through the life cycle events of the facehugger seed implantation, the graphic chestburster extravaganza, a haunting yoni cocoon, and, finally, our adult Xenomorph stalking the crew around the ship. Our crew also has to deal with evil corporate android man Rook, and his mental takeover of our beloved Andy. A scientific compound is discovered on board extracted from Xenomorph DNA and combined with human DNA with the goal to improve or perfect humans. Ew. First capitalism, and now Alien eugenics? I’m sure you can see where this is going.

[Major Spoilers. All The Spoilers.]

Here’s how it goes; Rook will not allow the remaining crew to leave the ship without the company’s special compound safely in their possession. Andy regains his selfhood through intervention by Rain, and after a really cool no-grav action sequence, the two of them get back to the ship, where Kay, who is critically injured, is waiting with the compound. However, what they don’t know is that she had gone all “fuck it, we ball,” and took the compound herself, injecting Alien genes into her body. Ah, the indomitable human will to live.

It’s looking like our three survivors will just barely make it, and they do manage to get out of the main ship in an escape pod before the ship crashes into a bunch of space rocks. But then, Kay’s cryo-tube starts to blare an alarm and Rain opens it to find her way more pregnant than before and actively going into labor. Kay rapidly squelches out a huge egg and out of the egg hatches a nasty little freak baby which then speedily grows into a nasty, enormous freak Alien-man. The offspring kills mama Kay, sucks her dry, and starts hunting down Rain, who eventually defeats him by shoving him out into space. Great ending. Lots of fun. And yeah, it was nasty. It was super creepy, and very disturbing. So why am I not as shaken as everyone else?

It feels a bit contrived for me to say Omnomnomulus does not recover from revealing the monster and loses all scariness that way. Maybe that’s true for some, but it didn’t feel that way to me. I was completely invested and really tense for the entire movie. I had to look away for some of the gore because it was too intimate. But as soon as the strange human-alien mutant man came into view, I was just not in the movie anymore. And it’s not like he wasn’t scary! He was soooooo creepy, deeply uncanny, and totally unsettling. If I saw that thing in real life I would probably pee my pants. 

The problem for me was that he looked way too cool. As soon as the offspring appeared, I lost my immersion and was just filled with delight at how unique the design was, how creepy the prosthetics were, and how gnarly the whole situation had been. I was completely removed from the movie by its own practical effects. I actually clapped my hands a little bit! And while watching him stalk Rain throughout the ship, instead of being tense and worried, I was just excited to watch it all. I felt giddy like a kid in a candy store, which is not really the mood I was going for when I walked in.

So. I’m giving up hope. I went to Alien: Romulus expecting to leave disgusted, shocked, and haunted, thinking about it for days (or more likely, nights). Instead I left with a handful of popcorn and a pep in my step, just gushing over how cool that creature was. Maybe I’ll have the chance in the future to be pleasantly surprised by how scary a movie is, so stay tuned if you like to see if it ever happens. But for now, I’m going into every cinema auditorium with absolutely no expectations. (And maybe an Icee.)

Rating:📀I loved this movie!